closing doors and i love yous

And I keep asking myself, am I such a bad person for feeling and acting this way? I'm still hurt, maybe I'm not that angry anymore - but, yes, I'm hurt. Unlike before, I didn't think of getting even or hurting people back. I just decided to close doors - maybe temporary, maybe not. Time will tell, when those doors will be open. I'm not sorry for feeling this way because I'm just being true to myself. I can't be all sunshiney all the time. I can't hide behind my smiles.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to grow old bitter - who wants that?

But I'm happy where I am right now. Am I at peace? Yes, I think I am. Am I truly happy? I don't know, but I'm slowly finding out. I'm finding different reasons now to be happy - where I don't need to worry about missing out on something. I can have fun, be happy and feel blessed on my own, thank you very much.

Human relationships are important. Who wants to be alone anyway? I know I don't. But, honestly - I don't want to be with a group of people who still makes you feel lonely. Where empty "I love yous" are thrown around carelessly like it's the same as saying "Hello". Where I felt like I had to be present all the time just to feel "loved". I thought I was taking care of my relationships, but seemed to forget of what's really important - my family.

"I love you" means I'm willing to DIE for you - just like what Jesus did for us.

So am I a bad person for turning my back and closing doors to people who said empty "I love yous" but who are not "with" me right now - not to fight my battles - but just to listen to me and hold my hand? Maybe for some. But I don't have to explain myself to them.

I'm just discovering who my real friends are, learning how to be real to myself and showing who I really am.

(Photos taken from Organico Gourmet, Mandaluyong)